I know you have all just put your decorative gourd attachments on your vibrators, sugared yourself with a candied ball of maple syrup and sweet potato, and spruced up your lady cornucopia with a pumpkin spice douche, but according to the Daily Mirror the Ice Queen cometh and she’s a cruel mistress.

It’s winter vagina time, bitches.

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How can your vagina possibly defend itself against the storm — snow swirling through your pubic hair, frosting your labia, chilling your vestibule, silencing your clitoris?

Winter vagina is a thing. Take it from me. I’m from Manitoba. Winter vagina is so bad that no one can possibly have sex December though March. You’ve seen a tongue on flag pole in winter? Right. Like that, only worse. Try ripping that shit apart without anesthesia. Talk about roughing it in the bush.

Winter vagina is so harsh that Canadian Labor and Delivery units shut down September through November because no one was fucking nine months before. We just sit around and play drinking games, like Devil’s Triangle.

The bleak midwinter air is going to whip right up your pants, through your underwear, part your labia and head straight up your vag. Jack Frost is the fucking frat boy of fairytale creatures and he’s going to make your vagina feel like the corner of Portage and Main on January 1st if you don’t do something about it. Now.

Minus 40 fucking celsius without the windchill. In your vagina. And you thought fall vagina was bad? Ha!

Nothing burns like the cold.

Don’t go thinking your vagina is safe from vaginal catastrophe indoors. The air inside is dry. Parched. The fucking desert. According to the Daily Mirror the air is apparently so fucking dry in houses in the United Kingdom that it is going to suck the moisture right out of your vagina.

I bet it’s all that English Ivy. It’s like the Day of the Triffids, but for vaginas.

Shakespeare wrote about the perils of winter vagina. Just like the Daily Mirror. That’s what Richard III is about. Look, I know this is a seasonal vagina post and not a literary vagina post, but indulge me. Richard III is all about bush. “Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York.” I mean, come on! The War of the Roses is just one big fucking bush analogy.

So how does one deal with winter vagina?

Here are some handy tips. But be careful, you don’t want to over do it and tip yourself back into Summer Vagina. Remember, your vagina is constantly one wrong pair of underwear and 3 drops of water from total vaginal carnage.

Mulled wine. Who wants to squat over boiling herbs and water when you can squat over boiling herbs and wine! Humidity and hey, who doesn’t want a nutmeg vagina? Gwyneth Paltrow has her daily alcohol consumption all wrong. I mean she’s close with her whole glass of whisky in the bath every day, but really she should be squatting over it not drinking it. Her liver and her vagina will thank her. That’s how they did it in Ancient Archenland, so it must be true.

Breakout your plug-in vibrator and don’t forget the snow stud sheath. No battery-powered device can plow through vaginal snow pack. You need alternating current to warm that shit up after a long day of sitting naked outside filling your vagina with snow and ice. Don’t get clitoral anti freeze though, that crap stings like a motherfucker.

Order your bouquet garni of mistletoe from Etsy or get it from those kids who stand outside of the grocery store selling wreathes and shit. If you are crafty you can make one yourself. Martha Stewart has great DIY instructions. She’s light-years ahead of GP when it comes to vaginas.

Light your Winter Vagina Candle to set the mood and then braid that mistletoe right into your pubic hair. It helps maintain warmth and humidity and if you place it right over your clitoral hood you’ll get your kisses where they count. Just make sure to wait until you’ve properly warmed your vagina before giving the mistletoe a whirl, especially if you have sex with men. They’re the real screamers when they get stuck.

Look, I know it sounds totally batshit that the air outside could impact your vagina, which is inside your body and underneath clothes. I know it is also truly mind blowing that no one worries about summer or winter asshole, yet vaginas are just a few centimeters away and not full of fecal matter and are a total fucking mess. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Air doesn’t even get inside the vagina and vaginal moisture has nothing to do with the environment, but what are facts anyway? Silly things that can get a lady into trouble, that’s what. The human body is a mystery, especially vaginas. Which are delicate. That’s all you need to know.

I’m not a winter vagina expert because I am the Internet’s favorite gynecologist. We Canadian girls just really know how to take care of our snow forts, that’s why our national animal is the beaver.

 

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Join the Conversation

59 Comments

  1. This made me laugh so hard I had to share it with my husband. Now I think I have to knit a sweater with “winter vagina is coming” to wear for Christmas.

  2. Who knew that obstetrics was a part time job in the prairies. I was under the impression that farmers worked so hard in the summer there was no time for sex. No wonder it is a dying profession.

  3. Fantastic! But I was under the impression that no millennial women have pubic hair anymore thanks to the Kardashians, so only those of us rocking a 70’s vibe will be able to use your Mistletoe tip.

  4. Dr. Gunter to do list:
    1. Vodka, not beer. Check.
    2. Crafts with kids.Check.
    3. Taking on increasingly absurd world and media while on number1. Check.

    1. Thanks to targeted advertising, an online company suggested the writer’s block candle: “It’s a candle, not magic. Try vodka.”

      Sometimes the internet works.

  5. Snorted my coffee! I think you could do a great re-wording of the party song: “it’s 40 below and I don’t give a f**K, there’s mistletoe in my muff and I’m off to the rodeo…”

  6. There’s a candle scent I wouldn’t buy. I’m thinking in the summer they rename it as Beach Walk.

  7. I live close to Winnipeg so understand the Portage and Main comment… Appreciate the absurdity and humour of it all!

  8. So Canadian! And so true! Nobody bares the booty after -10. It’s just self-preservation at that point….

  9. It’s a good day. Besides your post our day was made by Donna Strickland winning the Nobel and unlike Franklin her graduate work wasnt overlooked.

    Obviouly there will be great application to indistry bit at least the nobel listened.

  10. There is not a single christmas song left that Ill be able to sing without bursting into laughter and not being able to tell anyone why I am laughing.

  11. So, in the link to your summer post, Teen Vogue warns of dry vagina, yet here Winter Vagina is described as dry… As someone who doesn’t have a vagina, just how much money is there in convincing women they are in constant danger of vaginal desiccation? And to be clear, through Jen’s posts I’m curious, but 28 years of marriage suggests the classic solution in search of a problem.

  12. I may have never laughed so hard! I have to show this to my Gynecologist! She will laugh as hard as I just did!

  13. Thanks for the laughs! Sadly my partner and I focus on laughs, cause I’ve been “dry as the desert”, so it’s painful and very uncomfortable to have intercourse. I tear easily to begin with even before becoming a desert due to needed medicine, so now is very easy.

  14. Funniest thing I have read in ages. Are you SURE it wasn’t Gwyneth Paltrow who wrote that piece for the Daily Mail? (LOL.)
    I mean, I have nearly frozen my *ss off doing some snowshoeing & winter camping, but I had no idea I had to worry about a nearby (internal) organ.

  15. How weird is it that I’m a man who finds this stuff hilarious? Maybe it’s cause I’m a single father with two daughters. Daughters who their mother has them convinced that if they go a day without a shower their vaginas will, I don’t know, explode or something. Anyway. Thanks for combating the woo.

  16. Just bought your book and am enjoying it. Disappointed there isn’t any discussion of masturbation and it’s taboos. Any reason for this?

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