Scented latex underwear to improve “freshness” for oral sex? It’s a vagina, not a Yankee Candle.

I’m both a follow of and a fan of yours, Dr. Gunter, but that is not to say that I always agree with you. To wit, I have to question an assertion that you make here – one that also features prominently in your otherwise spot-on essay “My Vagina is Terrific. . . .” Namely, the notion that it is men who are responsible for making women self-conscious about their vulvas and, in particular, about the aroma of their vulvas. You write, above, “The people at Lorals believe that 80% of women have said no to oral sex when they really meant yes due to cleanliness reasons. I can’t find a published study to back up the 80% claim. Of course reasons for women saying no to oral sex could also be that a male partner made them feel self conscious when they were just fine.” You are right to question Lorals’s 80% claim here, given that you could not find a published study with which that claim could be substantiated. But I could make the very same criticism of you: can you cite any published studies that demonstrate that male sex partners (or men, in general, for that matter) are the ones primarily responsible for “mak[ing] women feel self-conscious when they were just fine”? I ask this, not rhetorically, but, specifically, because I dispute the premise that an aversion to the aroma of the normal vulva is a male, as opposed to a female trait.

As a heterosexual male, it has always been my experience, from early childhood on, that females, in general, are much more squeamish about the human body and especially about sex, than males are. As a child, I distinctly remember that, whenever the subject of sex came up and, especially, a specific act (such as cunnilingus), the reaction of the girls and young women – to a girl – was invariably “Ewwww!” The reaction of the boys was the sound Homer Simpson makes when contemplating fatty food. That carried forward into adulthood. It is an unscientific generalization, to be sure, but in my experience, the notion that the aroma of the vulva is exciting and attractive to heterosexual men is a notion to which most hetero men I know subscribe but which most women I know (who will voice an opinion on the topic) consider appalling, perverted and disgusting. I have a standing joke with my own wife prefatory to a planned sex date in which I reference the famous (or apocryphal) letter from Napoleon to Josephine in which he states that he will be home in several days and entreats her therefore not to bathe. Her reaction, invariably, is “That’s disgusting.” As a child, my father used to quip about how the boys from his generation got their jollies by sniffing girls’ bicycle seats.

Yes, there is quite a bit of body shaming going on in social media but, as far as I can tell, this comes at least as much if not more from women directed at other women as it does from men directed at women. There is also just as much, if not more, body shaming by women of men – particularly by women of the intact male penis – including the way it looks and smells – as there is body shaming by men of the normal vulva. In a thread on Alternet below an article about female “grooming” several years ago (and after writing my own lengthy defense of female pubic hair, including how beautiful it is from an aesthetic standpoint, how arousing it is from a sexual standpoint, and in which I also argued that a preference for its removal was suspicious for pedophilia, to say nothing of how infantalizing of women that particular predilection is) I came across comment after comment by women themselves, the upshot of which was that the vulva is disgusting and that that is especially the case when it hasn’t been denuded of its hair.

I have no doubt that there are cads out there who make disparaging comments about women’s vulvas and the natural aromas that emanate therefrom. But I wonder how many of these men are in fact merely closeted gay men who have not come to terms with their own sexuality and are displacing their own internalized self-hatred onto women.

Speaking of self-hatred, let me anticipate the response to my assertion that women are generally far more disparaging of their bodies and especially their genitalia than men are that this is merely due to the phenomenon of female internalized misogyny, or, simply, self-hatred, which women in sexist and misogynistic cultures manifest as a result of cultural indoctrination. I am deeply skeptical of that notion as an explanation for the majority of the incidence of vulva shaming by women themselves. To the extent that it’s true – and I have no doubt that it is, at least to some extent – it must be combated. But I think that second-wave- (remember “Our Bodies, Our Selves”?) and now third-wave feminism have been around far too long and gained far too much currency and acceptance in our society for internalized misogyny be to blamed for for this phenomenon. In contrast, and at at the same time, I think that your tendency to make sweeping generalizations to the effect that it is men who are primarily responsible for speaking ill of women’s vulvas and particularly of their aromas is not itself fact based and is, in fact, a rather unfair derogatory generalization about men.

Men in our society are guilty of a lot and there is plenty to lay at their collective feet. But cultural attitudes, including attitudes about sex and genitalia, are not passed down exclusively by males. Women and men both, are the vessels and conduits of culturally inscribed notions about such things. To lay this particular sin – disdain for the vulva and its aroma – at the feet of men only (or primarily) is unfair and unreasonable.

A final thought in anticipation of what I expect will be replies along the lines of “My ex said this” or “My best friend’s boyfriend said that,” offered as anecdotal proof that men are generally assholes with a propensity for disparaging women’s bodies. To be sure, some are. But If the men in your romantic life (and I am addressing this comment to women broadly) don’t adore your body and worship your vulva, you’re simply dating the wrong men.

Dr. Gunter, thank you for pointing out the absurdity of this product. However, as one of many people who suffer from Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, I would appreciate your not appearing to approve of scented candles.

But it still might break…
If women need all this impedimenta, men need it too. Fair is fair. Equal opportunity disgust.
Where there’s life, there are smells. Get used to it, or stick your face in something else. Maybe make yourself asexual like me. Just quit picking on one group. *Nobody* should have to feel like they are the unclean ones.