Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP are empowering women with psychic vampire repellent

Gwyneth Paltrow and the team at GOOP launched their artisanal, coffee table paywall today.  In the magazine we are treated to GP’s view on health, meaning nasty old doctors with board certifications should stop asking questions and women should just empower themselves with cleanses and detoxes. It doesn’t matter, you see, that science says these things are at best worthless and at worst harmful. I mean bowel perforation? Whatever. Gwyneth wants us to know that she has even studied up and is ready for smart aleck retorts about the liver and kidneys from doctors, biologists, and anyone who has completed 5th grade science because yes, yes my precious that was before we had flame retardants. You see flame retardants and PCBS and heavy metals can only be removed with expensive ingredients, special doctors, and a tube up the ass irrigating your colon. Why would you go to a board certified toxicologist if you suspected some kind of chemical poisoning when there is lemon juice, cayenne pepper, silicone tubing, foam rolling, and infrared saunas?

But Gwyneth isn’t just into colonics and such, she’s lit enough to know about medical marijuana. After reading her insightful take one is left wondering if she will find it useful for the insomnia due to her adrenal fatigue just around the time CBD can be sold at the next GOOP shoppe pop up. GP wants everyone to know she is aware of the opioid epidemic and it is here because no one will use “natural” therapies, you know?

Gwyneth couldn’t torture leeches because they are “live creatures” (awe), but she can torture a honey bee if it can teach her c-section scar who is boss and sell copy. I mean, why tell people about the complications of live bee acupuncture, like thrombocytopenia, Guillain-Barré, dermatitis, or fatal allergic reactions? That isn’t autonomy and certainly isn’t part of the conversation GP feels we should be starting. Why go to a board certified dermatologist or plastic surgeon if that buckle in your c-section scar is so bothersome when they might want to practice evidence based medicine? Isn’t it better to be curious and free from the oversight of a nasty institutional review board (IRB)? Science doctors only want to take your money and inject things and prescribe pills. The doctors Gwyneth sees are clearly above money and the $70 for Dr. Gundry’s month of supplements obviously only covers cost and the $30 vampire repellent, well, that’s practically free.

Even though fixing her c-section scar was an important self exploration Gwyneth wants us to know that she personally hates the “logic of perfection,” especially when it comes to kids and teeth. She’s “not opposed to braces” and knows “we live in a culture where it’s actually hard to get a job if you have really messed up teeth.” She faults our society that pushes the ideal that “it’s not okay unless everything looks exactly the same.” We totally get it Gwyneth, except of course your c-section scar. All those magazine covers and your abs and hair and skin routines are totally not going for any kind of perfection.

Anyway, modern medicine and studies and board certifications are stifling the inner Goddess so Gwyneth and GOOP’s mission “is to have a space where curious women can come…for curiosity and conversation to live. ” Sure, they block reporters who ask pesky questions about fake NASA stickers but everyone else can ask questions.

To help you on your path to wellness and block out the pesky naysayers Gwyneth has this $30 “vampire repellent” which is a “spray-able elixir” and apparently “everyone at GOOP can get behind’ this gem. It must be a real conversation starter.

The psychic vampire repellent may not be FDA evaluated, but who cares when it has sonically tuned water, moonlight, love, reiki, and gem elixirs which is totally not left over water from a rock polisher. It must be very potent as there is  a double dose of reiki. I’m not sure how they get all that reiki in the bottle because reiki isn’t an object but no conversation needed here because ancient gem elixir physics, duh! One should spray it around one’s face to “safeguard” one’s aura and “banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them).” I mean that’s some potent, women empowering health shit right there, you know? Just don’t empower it into your lungs.

The take home message from GP and her squad is that there are “billion-dollar industries around people looking like they conform to x, y, or z” and modern medicine just wants your money, but not GOOP and GP. They are just asking that women be freed from the chains of science to get colonics and ask real questions about made up toxins in tampons and to learn about the secret epidemic of Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) as recounted by a ghost to The Medical Medium.