Gwyneth Paltrow and the team at GOOP launched their artisanal, coffee table paywall today.  In the magazine we are treated to GP’s view on health, meaning nasty old doctors with board certifications should stop asking questions and women should just empower themselves with cleanses and detoxes. It doesn’t matter, you see, that science says these things are at best worthless and at worst harmful. I mean bowel perforation? Whatever. Gwyneth wants us to know that she has even studied up and is ready for smart aleck retorts about the liver and kidneys from doctors, biologists, and anyone who has completed 5th grade science because yes, yes my precious that was before we had flame retardants. You see flame retardants and PCBS and heavy metals can only be removed with expensive ingredients, special doctors, and a tube up the ass irrigating your colon. Why would you go to a board certified toxicologist if you suspected some kind of chemical poisoning when there is lemon juice, cayenne pepper, silicone tubing, foam rolling, and infrared saunas?

But Gwyneth isn’t just into colonics and such, she’s lit enough to know about medical marijuana. After reading her insightful take one is left wondering if she will find it useful for the insomnia due to her adrenal fatigue just around the time CBD can be sold at the next GOOP shoppe pop up. GP wants everyone to know she is aware of the opioid epidemic and it is here because no one will use “natural” therapies, you know?

Gwyneth couldn’t torture leeches because they are “live creatures” (awe), but she can torture a honey bee if it can teach her c-section scar who is boss and sell copy. I mean, why tell people about the complications of live bee acupuncture, like thrombocytopenia, Guillain-Barrédermatitis, or fatal allergic reactions? That isn’t autonomy and certainly isn’t part of the conversation GP feels we should be starting. Why go to a board certified dermatologist or plastic surgeon if that buckle in your c-section scar is so bothersome when they might want to practice evidence based medicine? Isn’t it better to be curious and free from the oversight of a nasty institutional review board (IRB)? Science doctors only want to take your money and inject things and prescribe pills. The doctors Gwyneth sees are clearly above money and the $70 for Dr. Gundry’s month of supplements obviously only covers cost and the $30 vampire repellent, well, that’s practically free.

Even though fixing her c-section scar was an important self exploration Gwyneth wants us to know that she personally hates the “logic of perfection,” especially when it comes to kids and teeth. She’s “not opposed to braces” and knows “we live in a culture where it’s actually hard to get a job if you have really messed up teeth.” She faults our society that pushes the ideal that “it’s not okay unless everything looks exactly the same.” We totally get it Gwyneth, except of course your c-section scar. All those magazine covers and your abs and hair and skin routines are totally not going for any kind of perfection.

Anyway, modern medicine and studies and board certifications are stifling the inner Goddess so Gwyneth and GOOP’s mission “is to have a space where curious women can come…for curiosity and conversation to live. ” Sure, they block reporters who ask pesky questions about fake NASA stickers but everyone else can ask questions.

To help you on your path to wellness and block out the pesky naysayers Gwyneth has this $30 “vampire repellent” which is a “spray-able elixir” and apparently “everyone at GOOP can get behind’ this gem. It must be a real conversation starter.

The psychic vampire repellent may not be FDA evaluated, but who cares when it has sonically tuned water, moonlight, love, reiki, and gem elixirs which is totally not left over water from a rock polisher. It must be very potent as there is  a double dose of reiki. I’m not sure how they get all that reiki in the bottle because reiki isn’t an object but no conversation needed here because ancient gem elixir physics, duh! One should spray it around one’s face to “safeguard” one’s aura and “banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them).” I mean that’s some potent, women empowering health shit right there, you know? Just don’t empower it into your lungs.

The take home message from GP and her squad is that there are “billion-dollar industries around people looking like they conform to x, y, or z” and modern medicine just wants your money, but not GOOP and GP. They are just asking that women be freed from the chains of science to get colonics and ask real questions about made up toxins in tampons and to learn about the secret epidemic of Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) as recounted by a ghost to The Medical Medium.

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  1. Great as always. FYI – The Guardian UK are having a bit of a Gwyn-in at the moment, offering up several uncritical articles/advertorials for her nonsense, and deleting any comments that are linking to your site for balance.

  2. Dr. Gunter
    One other tiny detail.
    Above I see your qualifier, stating your interest and intention: “Wielding The Lasso of Truth.”
    If the supposed leader of the free world isn’t hindered by that lasso in meeting his objectives, perhaps we should chat about supplemental strategies in your efforts to counter absurd claims with facts.
    For a long time I was involved with scientists appealing to logic and stating the facts of their work, to secure their position. From there it didn’t take long in a graduate school of business studies to understand that “The Lasso of Truth” is what is referred to in math as, “necessary, but insufficient”, to determine the solution to a problem.
    If you ever find yourself imagining new ways to get in the wheelhouse of GOOP, give me a shout. I’d love to contribute to your efforts.

  3. Dr.Gunter
    I’ve admired the heavy lifting you have done, using social media to expose someone whose self interest has such potential to put so many at risk. Thank you.
    Now I worry, The sensational nature of social media has been a great tool for you to debunk the ridiculous, irresponsible. and potentially harmful statements and claims made by Gwyneth via Goop. Now, the sensational nature of social media has the potential to unravel all the good you have done. I think you run the risk of now giving that nutcase and ‘Goop’ the power to say:
    ” All we see is one person, with a stiff hood for Gwyneth, looking to gather followers. If her attack is based on medical science then why is she the only person barking at our efforts to try new things and explore new ways”
    (certainly the strategy I’d employ if you’ve boxed me in, the same way you have done with Gwyneth).
    How can you take away their ability to counter by saying: “There are millions of people well versed in the science that Dr. Jenn claims to represent. Why is it only Dr. Jenn speaking up.???

    Another thing you might want to consider in your strategy:
    The anti-smoking zealots seem to think that the uglier the picture they put on the packages, the more effective they will be. I’m pretty sure that those preoccupied with having others not smoke love those pictures. I’m very sure that the people who smoke don’t even see them. (something possibly relevant to your ability to influence those that Goop is good at misleading)
    Just a few thoughts Mental wanderings 🙂 ).
    Thank you for starting the heavy lifting. The really heavy lifting will be to have other professionals join in calling out what you see as wrong.
    Alan Harris
    London Ontario

  4. Dr. Jen-If it weren’t for your blog, I fear I would never spew liquids out my nose and mouth in laughter like a child ever again. Thank you for always being there! Holy shit, GP. Holy shit.

  5. As P.Z. Myers pointed out in his article which quotes this one, it’s very courageous of GP to sell people a magical item that can repel her. Kinda like this evil bosses in video games that have the one item that can hurt them in their very lair. Maybe she should read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Evil Villains.

  6. Anthony William, has a years long waiting list, yet Michelle and Matthew seem to waltz in and get a diagnosis asap! The article is very disturbing, and will makes its rounds, and people will say- see, I told you so!! Oy vey

  7. Oh god, that Epstein Barr virus link is some serious batshit insanity. Magic viruses that exist as cells, eat hormones and negative emotions and then excrete neurotoxins? Viruses that somehow know when you’re having a bad day and choose that particular moment to come out of their nests and give you one or more “mystery illnesses”?

  8. I like your writing, but this seemed like it really could have used a thesis. It’s very unfocused and out of my the norm.

  9. Actual vampire jokes aside — psychic vampires are people who virtually suck the life out of you. But still, there’s no way in hell that a spray will make annoying, negative, passive-aggressive people go away – or protect you from them. Your best bet is to just walk away. Why folks fall for this crap is beyond me.

  10. I love your columns ❤️ Although I do have to make sure I’m not drinking my coffee while reading; snorting that through my nose is not fun. Ohhh wait wait wait…I could market that as a nasal cleanse! Don’t tell GP or she’ll beat me to it…

  11. I notice that grain alcohol is the third ingredient in the vampire repellent. I’m assuming it’s actual use is so users can take a little nip and their breath will repel the beasties. Here comes your 19th nervous breakdown – complete with moonbeams

  12. A Goop spokesperson put out this statement – ” If this sh1t doesn`t work , you do NOT get your money back . Please read our disclaimer ” . /s

  13. Ok, call me crazy but vampire psychic spray is a joke right? I mean you have got to be making this shit up right? Who in their right mind would buy anything like that, other than a joke gift.

  14. Has this Vampire Repellent been tested on real vampires? Are these vampires caged? Do these vampires have free roaming privileges outside of their cages?

    This is quite disturbing.

    From now on, I will ONLY buy my vampire repellent from certified companies who don’t test their product on live vampires…because vampires are people too, damnit!

    Vampires are alive, aren’t they?

    I hope PETA can get behind this…

    1. Seriously, I think Santeria is better. Doesn’t cost as much. Just get some rum and spit it at someone and get a coconut and rub it all over your body. Then throw all that out in some river. Works wonders for your aura and cheaper!

  15. I am a Doctor of Pharmacy and this BS exactly has driven me crazy all my professional life. People who know nothing coming up with some silly product to cure nothing. Motive? To make money. Please people, do not fall for it. It is a con!

  16. It seems GP’s woo and snake oils are directed at women. I’m hoping she doesn’t turn her attention to men.

    1. If she did turn her attention to men, maybe we could get her to show us her boobs and then not take the bait, me and my toxic masculinity could be all like’ “wow boobs’ ,ad then feel all “heck yeah”, and just enjoy them in that moment before we respond mentally “yessss! (fist punch gesture), or meh, “seen better”. Then all the ones that can’t handle that process will go buy the shit (because after all they’re just boobs, we’re humans and have to see each other as individuals if we respect our own individuality and a sophisticated response is necessary), and the rest of us we be all, “big deal, I saw her tits”. Toxic…….

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