Have you ever sat on a metal chain and thought to yourself, Gosh that feels great?

Yeah, me neither. However, that didn’t stop someone from inventing jewelry called Beachtail to hang from a bikini in such a way that the labia minor and vestibule (the vaginal opening) will be rubbing up against a chain side to side and not in the way the song intended.

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Most women I know can’t stand when a fold of underwear is not quite right so I can’t imagine how sitting on a chain would feel especially if it ends up trapping sand in the bikini gusset. I hate bathing suit sand with a passion so I’m disclosing this bias up front. Sand rubbing against the vulvar skin and vaginal opening is unlikely to cause major harm but could certainly cause irritation. Wearing this in a sand free environment, so most bedrooms, would obviously take accidental dermabrasion off the table. However, sitting for any duration of time might be uncomfortable unless you get the dangly bits positioned just right.

How this bikini charm product became a thing is beyond me. I always thought a bikini bottom was pretty sexy as a stand alone but I get novelty items have a certain attraction in both public and intimate settings and some people just love jewelry.

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To wear this product on the beach without the trauma of accidental hair removal some women might need very short or no pubic hair. Water and sand could potentially increase the risk of tangle related accidental depilation. In general it is probably best to avoid rapid removal (i.e. underwear or bikini bottom flinging) if you have pubic hair.

I don’t see any big medical risks with this “jewelry” apart from discomfort and irritation. If you try one you’ll probably know pretty quickly if you hate it or not. I personally think it might feel weird walking around with something swinging between my legs, then again those with a penis and scrotum adapt to that sensation quite quickly so maybe it wouldn’t be a thing? It is true that after a few minutes most people adapt to the feeling of dangling earrings so perhaps that would also apply?

Some people love jewelry and clearly want to hang it from everywhere. Totally cool. Some people might view this as a conversation starter on the beach. Another legit reason. Some people may want to surprise their partner with this (trying something different, especially when unexpected can be a big turn on). Most people like a little theater with their sex.

Wearing an item like this, as long as it isn’t uncomfortable and there is no sand involved, is unlikely to lead to any major GYN issues (as this is unstudied this is an educated guess and, as always, not medical advice!). Just keep in mind if you have been sitting on a sand encrusted metal chain in a wet bathing suit for any length of time it is possible you may be too irritated to care much about any attention the crotch jewelry might send your way.

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18 Comments

  1. “How was your vacation?” …. “Aside from some accidental depilation and minor vulvar/labial irritation caused by my crotch bling, it was great!” …. as if on purpose depilation doesn’t have enough going for it. Oh, I’m so glad for a moment of levity in this day. (This bikini jewelry will no doubt be a popular ‘push gift,’ I said, sarcastically.)

    1. Can you even imagine? Your spouse brings this to you directly after the baby comes home? “Hi darling-here’s you push present!” Death.

      1. I can imagine my mother (of five) and both grandmothers rolling over in their graves at the very concept of a “push gift.” In fact, I plan to do the same. Without any dangly bling.

  2. For both sizes of chain substitute cotton thread. Get the sparklies from a bead shop. Have fun.

    1. This! I can think of several ways to make something like this more comfortable and less chafing (though overall it’s really bot my style so wouldn’t bother, myself).

  3. Oh, what a wonderful post! Many thanks for making me laugh so hard at the end of a long, not-much-fun day.

    On the other hand, down the tubes goes my planned birthday present for my wife.

  4. coffee-out-the nose funny about penis/scrotum swing. Thanks from an XY reader. Having pinched a finger in the sliding links of a chain, and/or in the gap that often appears in a poorly fashioned link, I can imagine this being more painful than you describe. I’m quite content to just imagine it, though, so don’t even …

  5. Wow, who even thinks this shit up! But this week definately needed a bit of levity. Thank-you for that!

  6. You forgot to mention one more risk- barracudas. They love shiny things. Then again, I doubt anyone wearing this crap has any interest in getting in the water.

  7. This is hilarious! I thought most women (me, anyone I’ve known) worry about having things hanging out of their bikini (stray hair, tampon strings) rather than deliberately hanging something that will result in pain of some sort.

  8. I’ve had a number of piercings down there for years now, and while they’re definitely fun on occasion, I can’t imagine how unpleasant a length of fiddly, pinchy chain would be anything like enjoyable.

    I also can’t imagine how it would work given that thighs tend to touch.

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