Your period is late. We’ve all been there. Whether you are worried you are pregnant, bloated as hell, or you figure there is enough oil in your chin to save the Alaska wilderness from drilling, there are all days when we wish the damn thing would just start already.

Well, here are 5 guaranteed ways to induce menses and restore your natural balance*°:

  1. Go to your GYNO. Doesn’t it always seem as if your period starts when you need a Pap? Yes, yes, as most women bleed for about 5 days and there are 30 or so days month there is actually a 16% chance you will have your period when you are seeing your GYNO, but doesn’t it seem more like 100%?Although, I am around speculums all day long and could hop up on the table and whip one of the babies out for a Pap at any time, so perhaps that theory doesn’t hold for the actual gynecologist. I bet we build up immunity.
  2. Plan to have sex for the 1rst time with your new boyfriend. If you are married or have a current guy, dump him, because this only works for 1rst time sex. Even gynecologists have no immunity against this powerful force. Remember, nothing says foreplay more than, “So, uh, do you have some navy blue towels we could, uh, spread on the bed?” Ah, building memories.
  3. Go to Fiji/Hawaii/on a cruise. As long as it’s a vacation where you anticipate you will be mostly wearing a bathing suit and having a lot of sex. The smaller and more remote locations tend to work best. The Maldives are not exactly known for their fine selection of feminine hygiene products, you know.
  4. Go surfing/swimming in Northern California. The waters on the West coast aren’t called the red triangle for nothing. This is shark territory and a well described enticement for Auntie Flow. Since a shark can smell drop of blood a thousand miles a way,** getting in the Pacific on your period is like chumming up the water. Good times, good times. Really helps you to feel all zen-like while you’re waiting for the next set. If you don’t live in California, go scuba diving. Did you know that some women actually have reflex menstruation when they touch neoprene?
  5. Wear white pants. If you are really desperate throw on the good underwear too. You’ve worn your nasty underwear and old jeans for 3 days with a pad the size of a Kleenex box between you legs and nary a drop to show for all of your chaffing. So of course on the 4th day of period-watch you forget and slip into those tight white jeans and your Hanky Panky Signature Lace Original Rise Thong and bingo. Is it hot or cold water to get out blood stains? I can never remember, but considering the number of times this has happened to me I should clearly know.
*Unpublished level 4 and 5 medical evidence at its best. God knows, if A and B happen at the same time there must be a cause and effect.
ºUnpublished level 4 and 5 medical evidence is not direct medical advice.
**Quite possibly an exaggeration. I am not a licensed sharkologist, but I have seen Jaws. 
This post (as of January 2014) has been viewed more than 98,000 times, which tells me that a lot of people really are looking for the answer to inducing or kick-starting a period. I wrote a factual post, Can You Kick Start Your Period to meet that need.

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  1. Ha! Wearing white is foolproof. and don’t forget to change bags so you’re sure not to have any extra feminine hygiene supplies at hand. Finally, to make sure it lasts, I wear white all week. The minute a darker color comes out of my closet it lightens up.

  2. my parents thank i may start my period because i seen the puerty video last year and that white tissue is in my uderwear :[

  3. i lost my period for more than 3years after my wedding ,the doctor called it hormonal imbalance, i was place with clomid and premoult n since no result what shall i do pls help for solution
    onyinyechi from nigeria

  4. I was looking for a resolution to an annoying (tired of being bloated and cranky) problem and got a great laugh. I’ll take it!

  5. Wow this has to be the most ridiculous post that I have seen on how to start your period. Ladies for one dont wear your pants over and over again if youre on you’re period, thatts gross. Another thing is, not everyone can go surfing in California, okay. Some (alot) dont have access to that.
    If you want start your period faster and youre taking birth control, stop taking it for a day and it will start.
    If you dont take birth control try heavy exercise, and take black and blue cohosh. Try anything that will get your blood flowing, along with straight ascorbic acid (which is very hard to find)
    P.S. If you are a DR. you should know that peroxide gets blood out of clothes.

      1. Oh Shawna.. sweetie.. bless your heart. I’m baffled as to how anyone can read this post and not realize it’s satire. Perhaps the Irony font on your computer is not working correctly, Dr. Jen. Check to see if you even have it.. I believe it’s somewhere between the Humor and Joking fonts. Or perhaps some computers auto correct to Times New Roman?

  6. I can’t get married cuz I don’t have the money, so that means a cruise and California are out of the question, too…I haven’t tried parsely tea yet, cuz my fiance told me that it would make my acid reflux REALLY bad. The white undies and pants did not work. I’m not graduating from anything…even having a job didn’t help. I’m currently almost 4 months late, and have had 2 negative blood pregnancy test’s. Any other suggestions??

  7. Two more: 1) Graduate from university and attend convocation. You will get it like gangbusters while you are stranded in the middle of the audience during the 4 hour ceremony when, yes, you have to walk across the stage in front of a bazillion people. 2) Get married. Nothing like wearing a white wedding dress to bring on aunt flo.

    True stories, both of them.

    Oh! 3) Do a pregnancy test in a panic. Realize after you’ve already poas that um, shoulda checked first.

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