5 guaranteed ways to start your period

Your period is late. We’ve all been there. Whether you are worried you are pregnant, bloated as hell, or you figure there is enough oil in your chin to save the Alaska wilderness from drilling, there are all days when we wish the damn thing would just start already.

Well, here are 5 guaranteed ways to induce menses and restore your natural balance*°:

1. Go to your GYNO. Doesn’t it always seem as if your period starts when you need a Pap? Yes, yes, as most women bleed for about 5 days and there are 30 or so days month there is actually a 16% chance you will have your period when you are seeing your GYNO, but doesn’t it seem more like 100%?Although, I am around speculums all day long and could hop up on the table and whip one of the babies out for a Pap at any time, so perhaps that theory doesn’t hold for the actual gynecologist. I bet we build up immunity.
2. Plan to have sex for the 1rst time with your new boyfriend. If you are married or have a current guy, dump him, because this only works for 1rst time sex. Even gynecologists have no immunity against this powerful force. Remember, nothing says foreplay more than, “So, uh, do you have some navy blue towels we could, uh, spread on the bed?” Ah, building memories.
3. Go to Fiji/Hawaii/on a cruise. As long as it’s a vacation where you anticipate you will be mostly wearing a bathing suit and having a lot of sex. The smaller and more remote locations tend to work best. The Maldives are not exactly known for their fine selection of feminine hygiene products, you know.
4. Go surfing/swimming in Northern California. The waters on the West coast aren’t called the red triangle for nothing. This is shark territory and a well described enticement for Auntie Flow. Since a shark can smell drop of blood a thousand miles a way,** getting in the Pacific on your period is like chumming up the water. Good times, good times. Really helps you to feel all zen-like while you’re waiting for the next set. If you don’t live in California, go scuba diving. Did you know that some women actually have reflex menstruation when they touch neoprene?
5. Wear white pants. If you are really desperate throw on the good underwear too. You’ve worn your nasty underwear and old jeans for 3 days with a pad the size of a Kleenex box between you legs and nary a drop to show for all of your chaffing. So of course on the 4th day of period-watch you forget and slip into those tight white jeans and your Hanky Panky Signature Lace Original Rise Thong and bingo. Is it hot or cold water to get out blood stains? I can never remember, but considering the number of times this has happened to me I should clearly know.