Offensive alliteration and woeful ignorance of female anatomy can mean but one thing…it’s time to review another Cosmo sex position of the day.

The sexy sprinkler.

 “Hey baby, let’s go do the sexy sprinkler.” 
Now I dare you (in fact I double dog dare you) to say that without either:

A) vomiting

B) laughing yourself into incontinence

C) sounding like you are starring in a cheesy 1970’s porn movie (if you imagine your partner looking like John Stossel it may help you achieve that certain bad porno vibe).

The sprinkler? Cosmo, now really.

The position itself is achievable. Yes, I can hike myself up like this just fine, although it’s not a favorite position because this is also the starting crouch for bear crawls at boot camp and those babies are an ass-killer, let me tell you.

I’m guessing to avoid a face plant most women would need to keep both hands on the ground, which means the clitoris would be going largely unattended. Unless, of course, you live in the alternate universe that is Cosmo land. Apparently in this new and vastly uncharted dimension Home Depot sells a sprinklers that have all of the following…

  1. The ability to shoot streams of warm water (the leaves are falling here in the real world and cold water straight from the ground doesn’t exactly make me think, “Orgasm booster”).
  2. The ability to spray water in only one direction. (My sprinklers shoot water in all kinds of crazy directions. If I did this in my front yard I’d be doused in cold water from head to toe).
  3. The ability to massage the clitoris with the right amount of pressure to achieve orgasm. Clearly, the laws of physics must be different in Cosmo world, because the angles on the Sexy Sprinkler have the water aimed squarely at the mons and unlikely to make contact with any anatomically correct clitoris.
While this position isn’t going to need C-spine clearance or rip your hamstrings from their insertion point, I’m just not seeing the fun potential.

So I’m off to Home Depot to investigate sprinklers. I’ll be sure to take along my app so I can show them exactly what I want. You know, the sprinkler that doubles as a vibrator.

What do you think of the latest carnal challenge?

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  1. Oh my GOD, yer, killing me.

    As for your last quip, better yet, a vibrator that makes you sprinkle ;).

    Ooops. Sorry if that was to personal. Couldn’t resist.

  2. I have now read 5 of these blogs in a row – and I am laughing so hard that tears are running down my cheeks. This one literally provided a laughter explosion that left spittle on my monitor. Thank you for a great chuckle.

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