Cosmo’s sex position of the day proves they know nothing about good sex or women

I follow Cosmo (the magazine, not the drink) on Twitter. Most of the clothes look like what one might wear if one aspired to be a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills when one grows up; however, Cosmo also likes to tweet sex advice. The “naughtier” stuff comes attached to the #CosmoAfterDark hashtag. Since I’m a GYNO who sees a lot of women with sexual difficulties I check out the links because I like to keep my ear to the ground.

The night owls at Cosmo often tweet sex positions…wait for it….after dark. These positions both bore me and reduce me to giggles. First of all, there is really a finite number of ways a penis can be inserted into a vagina, so obviously positions get recycled. You know, hands-over-head as opposed to by-your-side, because that’s sooooo much different.

The other thing that cracks me up is the names. My personal favorite: the spread-eagle-couch-twist, which is obviously tons different than the spread-eagle-edge-of-the-bed-twist or the spread-eagle-roof-of-the-science-building-twist. And then there are the cartoon avatars “doing it.” I mean really, they are so Playboy circa 1970.

I have long thought these sex positions were created by one of the following:

A) a computer who has never had sex and is not programmed to understand how the female body bends.
B) a computer programmer who has never has sex and has no understanding of how the female body bends.
C) a Yogi master/Olympic athlete.

And now I have my proof

I present the Face-to-face-fandango (and dear God, what idiot comes up with these names?).

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I dare you to be comfortable in that position long enough to have an orgasm. If you’re over 40, I dare you to even GET into that position! Kids, depth of penetration doesn’t matter when it feels as if your quads are being torn to shreds!

I’m 45 and in pretty good shape. I run three times a week and do a pretty hard core boot camp two-three times a week. My thighs were SCREAMING and I didn’t even get my back down onto the floor. (The things I do for this blog!).

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So Cosmo, I’m all for sexual adventure but if you want your carnal challenges to be anything more than a joke, show some respect and have a few real women try them out first. Many women feel bad enough about their bodies as it is and they don’t need to add face-to-face-fandango failure to the list.

Unless of course these positions are all part of the application process for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. If that’s the case, cary on, but a disclaimer would be nice.

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25 Comments

  1. That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while! This is exactly the reason why I stopped reading cosmo in my early 20’s. Every issue seemed to offer some new sex act that was “guaranteed to make his toes curl”, and every month it was the same 3 things recycled over and over.

    They need some new, and physically possible, material 😉

  2. I’m in my mid-20’s and in fair shape, and even I found that painful when I started to lower my back to the floor. I’m also just over 100 pounds, with a 6-foot husband who hovers right around 185…yeah, something’s gonna be screaming, but it ain’t me!

  3. Healthcare humor in short supply – and much needed. Thank you for providing it so freely – and with such aplomb 😉 I will be back! :dm

  4. Oh dear, my knees hurt just looking at the picture. That position would be a knee killer even solo. Add a body pressing down, and my knees would splinter. No, thank you.

    Dr. Jen, thank you for posting this!

    Joan Price

    Author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.

  5. Hahaha… wow. I’m wondering if they publish these just to see if anyone’s actually reading anymore.

    On top of the pain of lying in that uncomfortable position, add fully-grown man over top. Yeah, nice going Cosmo.

  6. Performing cunnilingus can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman. It makes her feel loved, admired, sexy, and has the potential to give her an exceptional orgasm. Many women prefer it to intercourse, and for those who require a large amount of clitoral stimulation, it is the easiest way to orgasm. Besides, lots of women expect it these days and men who perform great cunnilingus are always appreciated and considered fabulous lovers.

    1. This. ^^^ Too many people of both genders are ignorant of how the female body works and too many men are lazy lovers on top of that. I hate to say it because being frustrated at one’s own ignorance and resulting helplessness in the bedroom can be mistaken for laziness and I don’t want to be down on any guy who’s genuinely tried. (And there are women with the same problem, who don’t know what to do with a man’s equipment and just give up.) But there’s a fine line there.

      Mind you, I don’t prefer oral sex to PIV (tab A in slot B), I rather prefer they go together in the same session. Preferably the latter after the former. Lets the guy have uninterrupted time to go after his own, and PIV *feels* a lot better after I’ve gotten mine, too.

      Wish Cosmo would write about stuff like *that*.

  7. I’m 22 and training to be a contortionist. I’m able to lie down that way, but my knees feel like they’re going to unscrew themselves and go on strike, and it is NOT comfortable. I can’t do it for more than a few seconds, and I’m actually legitimately concerned that they might convince people to try this thing and be the reason that people get HURT. Also, it looks to me like they’ve got some kind of ragdoll physics simulator and they just toss the bodies in the air and call the position they land in a ‘sex position’.

  8. That’s actually very similar to a quad stretch I learned for Fencing back in college — I tried it, and I can still do it, although my lower back is arched more than it used to be. For a really fun (and slightly less stressful) stretch, try the same leg position but rest your weight on an elbow on the floor behind you. It does lovely things to your spine. I have no idea how it would be as a sex position, though — I suspect rubbish.

  9. I am convinced that Cosmo is run by at least 80% men! Those articles are always about “How to Pleasure your Man” or “How to dress up for your man” or whatever. I’m really sick of it. I want to be reading about how to do things for myself, not for a man who has no trouble whatsoever achieving orgasm, EVER!

  10. I so thought you were going to go there but didn’t.

    “I have long thought these sex positions were created by one of the following:
    D) Men.”

  11. As a limber 20 year old, this position felt totally fine to me– but also placed my hips at a very unfortunate angle for PIV. Our pubic bones would hit at every thrust (if we even managed PIV). 0/10, even if it’s fine on your knees it’s bad for sex.

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